I'm done........

I'm done.
I have to admit, I use this term way too loosely. I'm done.
Yes, I can be done with the dishes, cleaning and laundry. But only for the moment. There are always dishes and laundry and cleaning. I'm done with my dinner or dessert. Maybe done with the errands for the day or week.
It's not this kind of done I'm talking about. Usually it's being done with a relationship, conversation or project. When I give up, that's when I'm truly done. Give up on a relationship? Yes, an influential relationship that leads you don't the wrong path. A business partner or associate that isn't being legit. A marriage. Maybe you're still friends, maybe not. Either way, the relationship of husband and wife no longer exists.
I'm referring to the relationship of parent/child. So many times as a parent, things happen that we can't control. A parent is supposed to guide and lead, nurture and challenge, discipline and reward.
  I find that when I've been wronged, hurt, used, walked on, slandered, I throw up my hands and say,'I'm done.' I can't take it anymore.
  What am I done with? The conversation, moment, the feelings, hurting or being used as a door mat? Or am I saying I'm done with the child? There have been times that it's been such a fine line that I don't even know what I'm done with. The situation can be so overwhelming, everything can look so ominous, that I just want out. I want to walk away and hope that it all turns out for the best.
Well then, I'm a quitter. I'm willing to lead my children until it hurts. Then I stop. This is not what I want. Parenthood hurts. It's got to. If, as a parent, your child hasn't hurt you in some way, fashion or form, then what kind of a relationship is it? Probably a superficial one.
Now, don't think that I'm saying there has to be some big argument, or that your child has to do something totally horrific to you. No.
For every parent there is a particular subject or situation that you guard closely. You put walls around it so no one can penetrate the barrier. Unfortunately, this doesn't work. Your child will find a way to get in. They always do.
 For me, it's when I'm not considered or respected.
Consideration to me is very important. I'm not particularly fond of it when someone assumes I'll help, give, stay behind, pay for something. And being invited last minute isn't necessarily a good way to let me know you've considered me. NO, it more or less means you didn't have enough people for said event.
I am a parent who wants my children to trust that I am also their friend. This too is a fine line sometimes.
Consider me as a parent, but confide in me as a friend.
Respect me as a person and a parent.
Sometimes I wonder if my children realize I have feelings. There are times that a choice has to be made, and honestly, the choice they make aren't always in my favor. Why is this? I don't know. On occasion, I've asked one or more of my children why they chose otherwise. The answer is always the same....I didn't want to hurt so and so. Didn't want so and so to get angry. Or, didn't think you'd mind.
Either way, it hurt, I was angry and yes I did mind. But I don't express these things. What I don't want for my children is a guilt trip. I don't want them to feel like they have to hide something from me for fear of my feelings. I just want to be picked every now and then. I want the respect from them that shows me they value my opinion, that they like to spend time with me, and that they love me.
Is it that so and so verbalizes their discontent? Could be.
If I'm hurt, I don't like to show them this. I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. What I do want is consideration and respect. The balance is tricky. It's like trying to balance an elephant and a cotton ball on a seesaw. In my case it's trying to balance two elephants ON a cotton ball.
Pushing past this, I feel I've not given up. I want to sometimes.Save myself the pain and anguish of playing third fiddle. Getting the left overs of a good time.
I love my children. I also know they love me. One day, I will look back as an old woman and 'know' that they are the best they can be because I didn't decide to be first fiddle. That they are confident in their decisions, and decisive in their actions.
And that I'm gonna spoil my grandkids one day!  That'll teach them!!